与老伴最后的日子--痛失夫君王若望
（中英对照）
羊 子
风潇潇兮洋水寒，
若望一去兮不复返。
来美国九年，老伴若望从未进过医院大门。他始终感觉自己健康，竟也让我为他而自豪。1997年初，邻居孙云给他一付网球拍，老伴从此天天打网球，喜孜孜地，简直迷上它了。五年来，球友们都几乎难以持续，他却从不间断；他还每隔一天要去老年活动中心吃早饭，来回步行五十分钟，走路挺胸健步，说话中气十足，唱京戏有板有眼。见过他的人，对他的健康莫不竖起大拇指。
去年夏天，报载101岁张学良老人去世，我自然联想到老伴的保健与长寿，便打趣地对他说：“张学良走过了101年，你也该有个长寿计划才行呀！”他说：“还是先订个二年计划，86岁算第一步。”我说：“这太保守，不够雄心壮志，记得几年前你曾说：要活过邓小平嘛！”他答曰：“慢慢来。”自那以后，我忽然意识到：老伴已向84岁迈进了，不能再盲目满足于从未进过医院。于是我买来血压自动测量仪，常给他量血压；好友陈淑龄女士也介绍了艾姆赫斯特中心医院，这家医院为低收入者提供特别医疗服务计划。他顺利办妥手续，进行常规性全身检查。2001年8月，一位华裔黄医生为老伴体检，老伴仍自夸打网球。检查报告显示：他一切指针正常，只是稍有点贫血而已。我们心中踏实了。
接着，天气转凉，每天清晨出门，我准备好秋衣，叮嘱他下楼前务必穿上，谁知他老是忘记。不久，他果然感冒，引发了气管炎，咳嗽不止，虽服了大量抗生素而似有好转，但口腔内分泌物日益增多。很快，我注意到他打网球的兴趣下降，走路易累，过去那种健步如飞的形象难再；更使我困惑不安的是，他咽食困难，即使饮水，头都得歪向一边，饭量明显减少，还听他说上下楼梯时心跳猛烈，需安坐良久方能平息。因此，我特地请教懂中医的老乡林先生，他认为这是正常的老人功能退化性变化，不必顾虑。话虽如此，我仍不敢乐观，就建议黄医生给他安排X光透视。
2001年11月8日，黄医生告诉我们：老伴的右肺下叶有积液。医生口气平静，并没有不祥暗示，我听后也不以为然。因为一年多前，一位中年友人也查出大量肺积液，服点药，抽去积液就痊愈了。老伴并不发烧，我心想顶多肺炎而已，他又显得那样安然平静，我根本没觉察老伴内心实际可存在的隐忧和恐惧。黄医生给他预约四十天后再做CT断层扫描，我心里更加踏实；医生同时决定让老伴贴戒烟膏药，实行戒烟。
离开医院时，已是黄昏，张涵珠老师静静等候我们三小时，才随我们共进晚餐。我买的是老伴平素最喜爱吃的菜肴，可他吃得极少，只声称饱了。分别时，老伴却突然含泪，神情悲哀地说：“张大姐，今天在医院让你久等了数小时，真不好意思。羊子的妹妹不久要来纽约，我要用我的私房钱为她接风，到时候你一定要来呀！”我和张老师一边高兴一边奇怪：
请客吃饭本该开心，为何眼泪汪汪？自以为细心的我，并未细想缘由，一如往常地边工作，边陪伴他。重要的是，我必须照顾他吃了午饭后再走，否则晚归时，午餐会原封不动地摆着，问他，他说吃了，很饱呀。
每天回家，上楼梯喊他小名时，他总是习惯地在黑暗中答应我。我问为什么不亮灯？他说没必要，因为他在闭目养神。我心疼地亲亲他，然后开始掌厨做晚餐，照例一小杯补酒，端上他爱吃的菜肴。某日，突然发现他咽一小口酒被呛得满脸通红，我就想，一个人戒掉五十年抽烟习惯，是很不舒服的，得付出代价。我一面按摩他胸口，一面鼓励他忍着。我说：
暂不饮酒也罢，等烟瘾过去了，再继续吃喝吧。我万万没料到，那次竟成了他的“绝饮”。当时我太粗心，实际上他已无力再天天阅读书报杂志了。我即使在家，也只顾自己做家务，偶尔留意他看一会儿京剧录像，但更多是见他静静躺着，而没在意老伴正在不知不觉中病变下去，我压根儿没想过老伴骨子里的病已不轻。
直到2001年11月20日(感恩节前两天)，象平常一样，吃完午饭后，他又躺回沙发上。我要离家上班了，便亲亲他的头额，说声再会。冷不防，他突然哭着拉住我的手，说：“你不要去上班……”我一阵辛酸，接着又听他无奈地说：“你还是去上班吧。”我再也止不住眼泪地说：“我们一起去Lotus（我的老板）家吧，你可以躺在她家的沙发上。你看到我在你身边走来走去，心里总是踏实些的。”于是老伴痛快地跟我去了。由于他的肺积液来源不明，我们担心影响老板孩子的健康，他就躺在我的车子座位上等我。我把车子停在太阳下，让他觉得暖和些。我的老板发现我老伴后，实在不忍心，让我尽快陪老伴回家；后来数日也让我整天陪着老伴，工资照发。１１月２６日，我大妹自香港飞来，我以为有了人手照顾，万事大吉了。
可天下不幸何其多！2001年11月30日，一切似乎那么正常，老伴清早起来后，按常规服多种维他命丸，可是仅仅半粒，他竟吞不下吐不出，直呛了近两个小时，几乎只剩半条命，连忙叫救护车送艾姆赫斯特医院急诊室内。二至三天后，他的病情趋于稳定，让我放心，就准备下周出院。
其实，我误以为老伴的病是戒烟引起的副作用，只要抽去积液，打针吃药，没几天就可出院，却从未想到可能有的凶险。2001年12月3日，几位胸科专家会诊，一下子判定老伴患了肺癌，而且已经到了第四期，癌细胞已扩散至骨头、肝和全身！按照他的年龄，已是无法手术，不能化疗的了。这不啻当头一棒，打得我当场昏晕……
悲痛之余，是亲友的真情爱抚和开导唤醒了我，我必须面对并承受即将会发生的人生最可怕的打击！然而，难哪，我失魂落魄。见到老伴时，我强颜欢笑。两天后，医生当面宣布老伴的病情真相，我和好友丘小姐注视着老伴，但见老伴脸不改色心不跳，几秒后，他若无其事地低声说：“在预料之中……”。我与丘相对而泣，老伴却轻声说：“会有奇迹发生的。”此时此刻，老伴还在安慰别人！老伴又是多么热爱生命啊！我不禁回想起二十多年前我们刚结婚时，我曾苦口婆心地求他：“咱俩的结合，经历了人间少有的千辛万苦，咱们应该珍惜它。我多么希望你能陪我到一百岁（那时我也八十岁了）。为了家庭和睦幸福，你就别抽烟烟吧！”可惜，这么多年来，老伴一直充耳不闻……如今，我能想象到老伴此时的纠结心情……
老伴曾对一位朋友说：“赌博能毁了一个人，香烟也能毁掉一个人呀！”此时的我，除了锥心入骨的痛苦，还能有何它想？
说到奇迹，唉，让我陷入深沉的回忆。
1967年刚刚认识若望时，他被关在上海作家协会的牛棚里，“只许老老实实，不许乱说乱动”。他曾最信赖的老大姐张某，揭发他攻击“伟大旗手”江青，他便一下子被拉上台挨批斗、剃阴阳头。打手陆某，还用锐器打伤了老伴的右眼角。回家时已是黄昏，他连忙找了一顶旧帽子遮盖，照样有说有笑面对未成年的孩子们，还大声唱着“谁愿意做奴隶？谁愿意做马牛……”。在不知底里的孩子眼里，爸爸永远欢天喜地，无忧无虑。
若望1986年11月5日为深圳《特区工人报》撰写与邓小平商榷的文章“两极分化之我见”，1986年12月25日在《团结报》上发表了“舆论能制造吗？”一文。1987年元旦的中共中央一号红头文件，就充满杀机地宣称：“王若望，此人很猖狂……
是资产阶级自由化的老祖宗。这种人，还留在党内干什么？”半个月内，在胡耀邦辞去中共中央总书记职务的大背景下，老伴与方励之、刘宾雁相继被开除出党。接着公安人员查抄我们家，老伴被传唤审查，半夜时分，年近古稀的老伴被审得疲倦不堪，竟然睡着了。这下公安人员慌了手脚，以为老伴昏过去，忙通知当时上海市委宣传部长孙纲，半夜里，由他领老伴回了家。老伴二度被开除党籍、二次坐牢，可他从来无怨无悔，而是充满自信。1989年因声援学生运动而坐牢时，老伴已72岁高龄。那些日子里，我只知度日如年地数着日子，默默盼望着老伴早日重返我身边。
老伴由追随中共到成为坚定的叛逆者，一生可谓多灾多难。八十年代，张志新被割喉管的事已家喻户晓；他也曾准备好一根喉管，等着接受与张志新同样的命运……
然而，他活下来了，活得辛苦，却总算活得有尊严。作为他暮年的伴侣，我始终与他同甘共苦。这么多年来，我是那样坚信他：凡遇意外不测，均能逢凶化吉；一切艰难险阻，在老伴面前都能迎刃而解。“运交华盖欲何求？未敢翻身已碰头。破帽遮颜色过闹市，漏船载酒泛中流。横眉冷对千夫指，俯首甘为孺子牛。躲进小楼成一统，管他冬夏与春秋！”我的老伴，正是在鲁迅“自嘲”的意境中一路走过来的。
正是对他“处惊不变”、“凡事皆能化险为夷”的迷信，在他确诊为肺癌晚期时，我竟仍企望“华阳复方”抗肺癌中药能救治他。医院放弃治疗，我让老伴出院，一心想用中药延长他的生命，直到他再也抵不住病魔。在临终的前夜，他还在哄我：“慢慢来，我会好的！”傻得近乎天真幼稚的我，竟然还相信他真能创造奇迹。可是怎么可能呢？他已有五十年的抽烟史了。文革坐牢释放后，孩子多，生活困苦，他抽了好多劣质烟尾巴，这使他患了很可能是肺小细胞型腺癌，因此恶化特别迅速。出院仅过二天，他几乎滴水不进，我急得六神无主，只得重新联系康宁病房。在等待救护车的时候，秒针在滴答走着，老伴的头斜枕在我左肩，老伴的身体，则完全无力地依在我怀里。我们两人坐在曾经共同欣赏录像带的沙发上，像不久前那样，我播放京剧录像带给他看，希望他再多看一眼他喜爱的节目。录像带在播放着，我俩却相对无言。我不知他在想些什么，我只觉得他的身子在往下滑，他越来越支撑不住。我欲哭无泪，那时我们在等着救护车。
当时的我，千头万绪，思路混乱。我不知道我等待救护车是喜还是悲，想到老伴这一趟去医院，恐怕再难回还，我就心如刀绞！我陷入悲痛欲绝的境地，真有呼天不应、呼地不灵的感觉！老伴从全身检查基本健康到去世，前后不过四个月；从发现癌病，到停止呼吸竟只有十六天，短短十六天！
我相依为命的老伴呀，你走得太匆忙！尽管你一身正气深得同胞敬爱，两袖清风堪称为人楷模，而你扔下我一人孤苦伶仃苟活于世，竟使我一时无所适从。人去楼空，在与老伴朝夕相处的屋子里，我抬起头，模糊的泪水中是那永远的音容笑貌，依稀看到墙上的座右铭：“爱是不妒忌，爱是不自夸、不张狂、不作害羞的事、不求自己的益处、不轻易发怒、不计算人的恶、不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐，爱是永不止息……”
一代人正离去，一代人又走来，太阳每天升起，太阳每天落下，大地却依然如故。人生无常啊！
马太福音宏伟、博爱的意境，正是我老伴一生的实践，可谓臻于至善。老伴你可以无愧地安息主怀了。现在，我的心稍为宁静，老伴呀，若干年后，咱们再相会！
Last days with my soul mate
Deep sorrow for
my loss of my loving husband Wang Rou Wang
By Yang Zi
Translated By Joe Beattie
We came to
He was always healthy and proud of keeping his health. I
deeply trust him
and I am very
proud of him. In 1997, our neighbor, Sun Yun, gave
Rou Wang a tennis racquet, which Rou Wang used every day. He loved tennis, it
was
almost an
addiction. For five years, he played every day. Every other day he walked 50
minutes to the senior center to have breakfast. He talked to his old friends
with passion. He loved to sing his Chinese Opera. He walked at a good pace, his
back straight. All who saw him admired his strength and health. Last summer I
read that Mr. Zhang Xueliang had died at the age of 101
of natural causes. I thought that Rou Wang must work hard to keep his health
and have a long happy life. I would joke with him, "our old friend lived
to be 101 years old, you should have a plan to keep
your long life." He said, "lets have a two
year plan, let me get to the age of 86 first." Too conservative I said,
"you should have more ambition. "
Years ago, I
remember you said that you must live longer than Deng
Xiao Ping. He answered," one day
at a time." Since then, I realize my
husband was almost 84, I should not be proud that he never stayed in a
hospital or blind that he would never need one.
We never went for a check up because I believed that he
was healthy. Later
on I bought a
kit to measure his blood pressure. A friend said that
hospital was a good hospital, that it had services for families with low
incomes. I finished all the paper work and sent Rou Wang to get a complete
checkup. In August of 2001, Dr. Huang did a medical exam of Rou Wang.. At that time, Rou Wang was active, playing tennis and
taking long walks. The results of the exam showed that Rou Wang was healthy,
but he was slightly anemic. I was relieved and happy.
Autumn came and the weather cooled. Every morning I
prepared Rou Wang's
clothes to keep him warm in the cool weather, but he never wore all the
clothes I set aside for him. Sometime later he caught the flu with
bronchitis. Coughing way too much, he took his antibiotics but he did not
fully recover. I
noticed days later he was not playing tennis, that he had lost interest in his
addiction. He walked at a slower pace than usual. He had difficulty eating,
even swallowing water and I was worried. I did not know what was happening. His
appetite was gone and his health was failing.
Climbing up and down stairs caused his heart to beat
wildly. He needed to sit down and rest to catch his breath and slow his heart
down after walking up the stairs. Mr. Ling said this was normal for a man of 84
years, don't worry he said. I was worried and I asked Dr. Wang to take an x-ray
of Rou Wang.
On
After 3 hours
wait, friend Hanzhu had dinner with us. When we left
the hospital, it was getting dark outside. I bought some favorite food that Ruowang loved but he ate very little. When Hanzhuo was going to leave,
Ruowang was teary eyed and he told her that "my
sister-in-law will come to
I always called his nickname. He would answer me back in a dark room. I
asked him why he didn't turn on the light, he answered me quietly he was resting
and did not need the light. I gave him a kiss then I went to cook my dinner as
usual. I prepared a small cup of healthy wine and some dishes that he usually
loved, but I found he had difficulty to swallow. The wine caused him a lot of
coughing and his face turned red and he couldn't stop. I thought that was because he quit his
50 years smoking habit and that was the price he had to pay. I therefore, didn't think
any other reasons but I messaged his chest and tried to comfort him. It never
occurred to me why he was not able to drink his favorite wine any more.
How careless I am! In fact, Ruowang was not
even able to read his
favorite books, newspapers and magazines any more. Instead I saw him rest
more and more.
He was dying and he was so quiet. I never even thought he was severely sick
until
He was suddenly holding my hand and
begged me not to leave him. My heart
was broken! I
couldn't control my tears so I told him to come with me. He was cheered even
though he was so sick and so weak but we could at least be together. I
suggested him to stay in my car under the sun and wait for me because his lung
had water and at that time it was not diagnosed whether the problem was
contagious. I didn't want it to effect to the kids (I was a baby-sitter). However, when my boss Lotus found us,
she was so kind paid my wage and let me go home with my husband. I didn't go to
work for the following couple of day either.
On
thing would be
OK; but on November 30th, Ruowang choked on half a
tablet of vitamin and it caused him to almost pasts out. He was coughing so
badly and he couldn't stablize for 2 hours. We had to
call an ambulance send him to the emergency in
I panicked, I couldn't believe the truth, I lost my mind and I couldn't
think! Thanks to all my friends and my family who gave me so much love and
comfort; they brought me back to reality. I must face the facts and deal with
the horrible hit! Two days later, when the doctor told the truth to Ruowang, he was so calm and quietly said that
he knew, it was his guess. My friend Qiou and
I couldn't control our selves and tears fell like rain but Ruowang
said to us "we will have some miracle happen". I knew this was my
loving husband who so much loved life!
The memory took
me back to twenty something years ago to the time we had just married. I told
him that after so many bitter experiences, we marriage, we should treasure it
and I wanted him to be with me until at least 100 years old. For our marriage,
for our family and for our happiness, I begged him to quit smoking. For so many
years, Ruowang didn't change his smoking habit until
in his very late life. I knew how his feeling was. After Ruowang
passed away, one of our friends told me Ruowang told
him that gambling could destroy one but smoking could kill one too. He knew how
bad smoking was but too late! At this time, I had horrible painful feelings but
nothing else I could do.
Speaking of a miracle, it brought me back to my deep memory. Back to
1967, at the time I just knew Ruowang. The time
Cultural Revolution (Communist party power struggle
caused a terrible
political movement), the darkest age of Chinese history. No one knew what
was right or
what was wrong. Chairman Mao (Mao Zedong) was the emperor and no one could say
any different word to him or his people. One day Ruowang
was criticized in public by a group of "revolutionaries" because he
had different opinions about Mao's latest wife Jiang Qing. They cut his hair half bald and half long let him
banded in a performance platform and one of the revolutionaries hit his head
badly.
Ruowang was insulted by those cults during the
day, when he faced his children at evening time, he pretended nothing happened
and he would sing the song " who wants to be a
slave? Who would rather be an animal?" In his children's heart, Ruowang was an ever-happy father and never would have any
thing bother him.
On
extremes- discussion with comrade Den Xiao Ping"; on
published another article "Public opinion can be produced?" Two articles
pointed out the problems for the government, which was not acceptable to the
government. On New Years day of 1987, Den Xiaoping's central government came
out against Ruowang. Why keep him in our communist
party? A half-month later, Ruowang and other scholars
(Fang Lizhi, Lui Bingyan) were expelled from the communist party. At the
same time, Hu Yaobang quit
his secretary position in central government. Our home was searched and Ruowang was investigated days and nights. It was second
time He was expelled from communist party and twice jailed (one by Guomingdang, one by Communist). He never regretted and
never complained, He was always full of confidence. In
1989, Ruowang was jailed because he supported the
democracy movement in
He lived very hard but with dignity. As his wife and his
life companion, we lived happy, bitter, rich and poor together.
For all those
passed years, I trusted all the ill lucks would turn
good. He was so
strong. He didn't die by a political evil hit but he could
not escape
from his body sickness. The day before he died, he still told me that he would
be OK. How naive he was ! I believed he would have a
miracle.
After our
doctors told me that Ruowang had very late stage lung
cancer, there was
nothing they had that could treat him any more. I still
believed my husband was defiant, that he would turn danger into safety.
Therefore, I let him come back home from the hospital and
I tried to use
Chinese herbal medicine to prolong his life. Who knew that after his 50
years smoking
history and poor life during the
"Cultural revolution", he smoked a lot bad quality cigarettes that
caused him get lung lachrymal cell cancer which is a fast spreading cancer.
Ruowang was discharged from hospital only two
days, he could not eat
any thing. I
had to call an ambulance again to send him to the hospital.
While we were waiting, Ruowang's
head was leaned on my shouter and his body was lying on my chest.
He was so weak. We sat on the couch where we used to watch TV together.
I put his favorite Chinese VCR as usual,
I hoped he would want to watch
little bit more
his favor show. He was so quiet. I didn't know what he was thinking but I knew
he was slipping away. I felt as though a knife was piercing my heart. I knew
this time Ruowang would not return from the
hospital any more. My mind was confused as a tangled rope. I was so helpless
and so
painful! Ruowang died 16 days after he found he had
lung cancer.
Ruowang, my love, my husband whom it depended on for
survival, left me too suddenly! Although he left his integrity and his honesty
as a respected model in our lives, he left me in an emptiness.
I live on in a degraded life and I don't know what to do. When I walk into the
places where we were together, I miss his smile, his voice. I realize that in
his 84 years lifetime, there were only 10 more days I neglected to meet his
expectations in his severe illness.
I
mentioned before that on
quit smoking
now?" He answered "the doctor said I have water in my lung, I think
that is serious. The Doctor told me to quit smoking, I have to" That time
I was there. How dull my mind was. I didn't realize his hidden pain until days
after, I suddenly realized why Ruowang was so sad and
saddened to say good bye to our friend Zhang. He knew he was dying. Although he
looked very clam his body was weak and in pain. No matter how strong his
personality was, when he realized his life was going to end, he was scared too.
How much he needed me at that time to understand him and to be with him .
I was neglecting his deep feelings. I regret that I
didn't think the reason
why he asked
me to stay with him. Now it is too late! My loving husband
left. He left
me in deep sorrow that I wish to make up for the last 10 more days. For his 84
years of life, Ruowang was always a strong and an
independent husband. Only at his last 10 days was he so lonely and
dependent. He was terrified and uneasy to face his dying life. I ignored
him. How cruel
was I! To face this loss I will blame my self my whole life.
My heart will never be at peace. I am deeply sorry for my
dear husband; I love him so much!
Generations come
and go; the sun rises and sets. The earth is the same but our human life
changes ever. From my eyes, I could see the motto: love is not jealous, not
crack self up, not insolence, not selfish, not do shameful things, not easy
angered, not making an enemy, like justice, trust, forgiveness, bear, hope, love
never ends God 's love, My dear husband, you could sleep peacefully. Years
later, I will meet you again!
Dec 31.2001 written in
------------------------------Dec 31.2001 written in