无尽的爱 无限的敬——创建王若望纪念亭
（中英对照）
羊 子
一百天以前，我的老伴若望，在不情愿、不时感叹、回天乏力中，走完了近八十四年的人生旅程。我呢，则在万般无奈，呼天天不应，叫地地不答中，目送着与我同甘共苦二十二年的夫君，在宁静的慈祥中，咽下最后一口气。当时，我只感觉，握在我手掌中他的手，手指开始变冷，慢慢发硬，他的脸部，由鼻尖开始，一下子发黄，我连忙俯首倾听他的呼吸：停止了，看上去是那样地安详。我并没有立即意识到他是与我永别。--我似醒非醒，如痴如呆，接受这一正在降临我头上最可怕的不幸事实。直到医护人员用白布覆盖到他脸部时，我忽然意识到什么，才嚎啕大哭起来。
不久，在思念难耐，无所适从的胡思乱想中，突然想起关汉卿的《窦娥冤》中二句唱词：“天啊，你错堪贤愚何为天；地哪，你不识好歹枉为地？”我的若望正是普天下公认的贤达、善人，是我民族的好儿子，他一路走来是那么辛苦，那么安于清贫，理应长命百岁，然后寿终正寝，方合情理；不就是肺部有点不适么？至于在短短的十六天内宣他归天么？莫非，真的人生本无常，生死本由天么？我必须认命，而且无人能抗拒么？
与夫君相爱三十三载，共度二十二个春秋，可以说，回首往事无遗憾。我们曾经是：涸辙之鲋，相煦以湿，相濡以沫，不若相忘于江湖。那是我俩长期在中共无情打击、残酷斗争中真实生活的写照。我极其珍惜并忆念那段经历。真的，想当初，1968年，正是举世大疯狂的文化革命初期，老伴正是鲁迅笔下的“自嘲”所形容的“运交华盖”的窘境之中，而我偏偏在那个时候认识了他。毛泽东独裁者逼我们成为“涸辙之鲋”，从某种意义说，我俩是“狭路”相爱，爱得那么旁若无人，爱得那么投入，爱得那么真挚，爱得那么毫无顾忌。好心的世人为我捏一把冷汗，他们百思不得其解：王某人大我二十岁，王某人有七个孩子，王某人是老牌右派，王某人是现行反革命……在那个谈虎色变、人人自危、惶惶不可终日的岁月里，像王某这样的人物，别人见状，简直避之唯恐不及，我何苦钻到猪苦胆中去活受罪？
应该说，同若望相爱，确实好辛苦，尤其是当他突然被隔离，到后来的无期坐班房，我忽然变成爱上了一位反革命，那还了得？万般无奈中，我只好学当两面派，表面继续保持独身主义者，把爱“反革命分子”之情深埋心底，白天随同事们一起跳忠字舞，晚上则偷偷写离愁
日记，当我默念陆游诗：“驿外断桥边，寂寞开无主，已是黄昏独自愁，更著风和雨”时，凄凉之情油然而生，随之泪水模糊了我的视线。不过那个时候呀，虽然痛苦，但总算期待有望，坚信他必能回到我身边，哪怕五年、十年……。在度日如年中，我想起一首歌：你可知道我爱谁？心上人是哪一位？比你温柔一千倍，比他可爱一万倍，一点也不虚伪，受到了创伤不流泪，爱的路上不徘徊，像急流中的鱼儿永远不气馁，真叫人敬佩。我就是怀着看似渺茫的期待，直到门前的桃花开过十次，终于，我们携手共度，从此，鱼水和谐。
后来，我们来到举世向往的美国。他，虽未给我荣华富贵，却给了我人生最珍贵的自由；也给了我不平凡的生活经历；为了自由，他宁肯清贫，安于寂寞；无论横遭极权迫害，还是小人从中拨乱、诬陷，他都以笑面对，表现了男子汉刚强气概。他憎恨那洒向人间尽是怨的极权统治者，为此，他，始终如一，身体力行，用笔杆子，不计一切后果，为民呐喊，向极权者投枪，从不懈怠。他，实践了中国古来为人歌颂的“贫贱不能移，威武不能屈，富贵不能淫”的正气、风骨。来美的九年中，老伴无论尝尽何种苦药，呈现在人们面前的，始终是忠厚、慈祥的长者风度。
89年“六四”后，是老伴最后一次坐牢，熬出狱后，面对岌岌可危的离休工资，感到惶恐，老伴曾对我说：“任何情况下，我们不麻烦儿女，如果需要，我会拉着你的手去讨饭”。来美后，老伴日益老去，唉，岁月无情，去年夏天，我忽然意识到，连我都老了，问题还在于，我必须笑着面对我肩上的担子，我对老伴说：“寿大(他的小名)，你已属高龄，但我总希望你能超过九十大寿。人身上有五大系统组成，缺一不可，依我看，你的呼吸系统是你最薄弱环节，我已注意到，今年以来，你感冒过两次，第一次仅服感冒片即愈，第二次却服用大量的抗生素方好转，现在即将夏去秋来，你要特别防止感冒。从今年九月起，洛特-加龙省丝的孩子全都上学，我将减少工作时间，以争取在家多陪伴你。只要我们不追求住宅宽敞，我保证你每晚酒菜下肚乐呵呵。你知道么，现在该轮到我来说，如果需要，应该由我拉着你的手去讨饭，这就是夫妻间公平责任。不过，在美国，我们不必步行讨饭，所以，无论如何，我要保留一辆二手车，一来接送你继续关心祖国大业，声援国内受迫害者，二来载你观光，再者必要时载你去寻饭吃，所以，即使你已经九十高龄，你也不必发愁”。之后，看上去老伴总是心安理得、无忧无虑。
唉，唉，月有阴晴圆缺，人有悲欢离合；天有不测风云，人有旦夕祸福。做梦也未料，老伴从住院到病故，才十数天。我，横空痛失我相依为命的老伴，真正晴天霹雳，当头一棒。我痛不欲生，几乎精神崩溃，醒来真有点万念俱灰。这个时候，是相识、不相识的国际友人、我的同胞，向羊子伸出温暖的手，先是孝子孙博士给我们免费送来了价值昂贵的华阳复方中草药；史女士则给京剧录像带为老伴送行；皮肤科专家崔医生，分文不收为我切除了脸上的大皮疣；某电台的林小姐及骆女士接我去首都华盛顿小住，为我分忧；南卡的王小姐事先购好机票，亲接我去她家，让我在优美的环境解闷、散心；还有多伦多的陈小姐，美国科技教育协会的翁老师，澳大利亚的杨夫人，先后来电，热诚邀我前往他们处养精蓄锐；当我真正开始孤独日子时，有一位好友阿华，很遗憾在若望生前未曾谋面，但她是那么敬重他，她赞美一首歌《海鸥》：“海鸥飞在蓝蓝海上，不怕狂风巨浪，飞着翅膀，看着前方；不会迷失方向，飞得愈高，看得愈远；它在找寻理想，我愿像海鸥一样，那么勇敢坚强”。阿华说：“我想象中的王老，就像海鸥那样，只是他直飞天国--理想之国了”；当我搬家前，由于衔接原因，本不认识的“家和”地产经纪人愈权正夫妇，为我慷慨支付空房费800美元。真的，一个人身后给人留下如此美好印象，此生足矣。我为老伴自豪。在这一百天里，我由极度悲痛，逐渐恢复宁静，哭得少多了；至于平素的知心友人，对我之关怀，真可谓无微不至，我今生即使做牛做马也难报；倘有来世，容我再报。
我们的房东，获知老伴去世，送了奠仪，并参加了追悼会。不久，他们坚持要收回租房，我得尊重他们的意愿，想方设法租新居。问题来了，由于老伴现如今是以骨灰箱形式陪伴我，对美国人言，安放房中，他们根本无所谓，就好比市中心的墓园与居家毗邻一样寻常，在我这方面呢？必须租华人房屋，而华人比较忌讳，怎么办？中共不让我名正言顺捧夫亡灵安放故土，又不宜进入异国的华人之家，万不得已，突然想到，当年我买汽车正为了支持若望的理念，现在，当我发生居住困窘时，可以说，这汽车是唯一属于若望的财产，万一不得已，我可能将骨灰箱安放于车内，每天跟我同来同往，虽不安魂，但若望一定理解我的苦心，因为老伴是那么熟悉中共无孔不入的用心：中华民国老总统蒋中正的棺木，尽管家属很想安放于浙江故土，中共也曾经放风表示欢迎，并修缮奉化老总统家居，但发觉中共别有用心的政治需要，台湾方面多年来不予理睬，宁可至今悬放台湾土地，也不上他们的统战圈套；八九年“六四”惨案，成百上千无辜死于北京屠城，十几年过去了，当局始终不敢面对自己的血腥行为，以致死者的亡灵至今不得安宁，可怜丁子霖、蒋培坤夫妇晚年丧子，其子骨灰至今仍安放于生前的小床而不曾入土。念及那些不幸的有名无名的亡灵，联想到我的若望骨灰，我得从长计议，只要我难于堂堂正正回归故土，在美国，只要我活着，看来老伴得跟我东西漂泊，也好，在我感觉，仿佛老伴永远在我身边。正在我无奈之际，前述一位王小姐发现我住宿行将困难，立即贷款，当机立断，仅花二天工夫，为我在纽约购买了公寓，无条件解决了我的根本困难。唯有此时，我突然意识到：羊子痛失老伴王若望，人间洒向羊子尽是爱。
世上不幸的未亡人何其多，而像我这样幸运的未亡人有几多？所以，尽管忆亡夫难免泪汪汪，而我的内心知足，充满感恩、感激和感谢。是人们充分理解老伴生的价值，死的荣耀，人们洒爱于羊子，其实是人们认同老伴“先天下之忧而忧，后天下之乐而乐”的美德；认同老伴从年幼追随毛共到背叛毛共而不再上当，所付出的毕生艰辛中，显示出历来为人称道的棱棱风骨，临终时形成空前凝聚力，展现了老伴全方位的魅力所在，我呢，则成了意外的受益者，这，岂不是老伴意外留给我一笔丰硕的人间爱的精神遗产么？诚然，面对老伴的遗像，老伴所经之处，所触摸过的一品一物，我会情不自禁流泪，但这泪，已是伤心中略带苦涩的、满足的泪，写到此处，我又想起一往事。
那就是，2001年感恩节前一天，也就是隔天他拉着我手，哭着要我不去上班，我含泪带着他去上班的第二天，我考虑到老伴的病情性质未定，万一他患肺结核，再去孩子们家恐不合适，因此，我表示我会很快回家，希望他在家等我下班，不料，他怎么也不愿单独留在家里，我实在心酸极了，又不能让他与孩子同在一屋，幸亏，又是这辆车，关键时刻，又救了我急，虽然已是初冬季节，我建议他坐在我车里，我可以常常从孩子家出来看望老伴一眼，顿时，他像个没病人似的，马上从沙发上一轱辘爬起来，很高兴地跟着我上车了，到了孩子家门口，老板洛特-加龙省丝(Lotus)和朋友梁女士，去车旁问候他，他还想站起来招呼她俩，她俩见他如此虚弱和消瘦，连忙使他安卧车内，洛特-加龙省丝实在于心不忍，立即付了我全天工资，让我陪老伴回家了。这个场景，至今回忆，令我失声痛哭，痛哭之余，让我浮想联翩：“老伴呀，谁能想象：一位八十多岁的老人、驰誉文坛的中国异见作家、本该安居在家，儿孙绕膝，琴棋书画，习字吟诗，颐养天年，其乐融融。而如今，客居异乡，我得上班，而当你病魔缠身，我却尚不知情，你还装作健康，孤独在家受熬煎，实在忍不住了，才哭喊我别上班，才甘愿屈躺车内跟随着我，此情此景，何等凄惨！”四个月来，痛哭之余，又悟得，老伴这辈子，任何艰难困苦中，从来顶天立地不弯腰。
在与我共同生活的二十多年中，从不求人的老伴，感恩节前，是唯一本能地依恋我的两天，心想，他也有依恋我的时候，我感到被依恋的自豪和满足，只是，我尚不明白老伴正在悄悄向我告别，我原准备让他一直依恋下去，让他依恋个够的。可现如今，他带着无奈、遗憾和惆怅离开了我；我这边却是无法弥补的亏欠，真是遗恨无穷哪！我还想说的是，再伟大，再坚强的人，总也有软弱的时候。在亲爱者面前，该示弱时，千万不要刻意克制，否则，一旦永别，活着的会留下永远的痛，和心灵永难卸脱的沉重负担。
近日，我造访了尔品，因为他是老伴生前的忘年交，老伴临终前，他每隔一天去看望，老伴曾对他说：早在一年多前，老伴即感到健康大不如前了。听后我大吃一惊，当着尔品面，我止不住泪水直流，我一边回忆，一年多来，我的感觉是，老伴一直健康良好，声音洪亮，唱京戏有板有眼，中气十足，走路像个中青年。要不是张学良过世，我还不一定想到为老伴全身体检。直到十月中旬，在《黄花岗》创刊号上发言，虽然人消瘦，但还不像病人呀；再仔细想来，其实已有迹象，如，前几年，他还斩钉截铁地说，不仅要看到邓小平去世，还要争取活过老邓(他没想过，他是什么医疗条件，而老邓是何等医疗条件，他是多么天真呀)；后来，当我要他以张学良为榜样，做个长寿计划时，他只说先定二年，我虽说他保守，却并未细究他为何保守，唉，怪我粗心，我没注意到他实际已在衰弱的躯体。在八月为他做体检时，我还以为我想得挺超前呢，只是老伴显得不情愿跟我去医院体检，等到病入膏肓，我问他：“为何当初领你去体检时，你很不乐意呀”？他说：“要是查出来有病，我们治疗得起吗”？除了心酸、热泪，我还能有何表示？还是印证了孩子们的话：爸爸从来天塌下来自己担。
我必须振作起来，向广大读者朋友表心愿：当今中国社会，半世纪来，在中共洗脑下，世风日下，道德沦丧，斯文扫地，唯利是图，人心涣散，不讲公义。老伴正是公认的道德形象楷模，对我言，恰好化悲痛为力量，为亡夫做点事情。在祖国生他养他的故土上，我要为老伴建造一座纪念亭，中竖一块大“风骨碑”，碑文刻着老伴的生平，供后人瞻仰。
借贵刊一角，求教读者诸君，王若望是羊子的丈夫，更是中华民族忠诚的儿子，让老伴的英魂回归，乃先夫生前遗愿，也是人民所期待。羊子愿与全体朋友共同努力，让老伴早日魂归故里。如今祈盼朋友献计献策，如何实施理想的树碑立传？
三十三年前相识，三十三年后永别，要是有人问我：“羊子，与王若望共度的日子里，你后悔么”？我的回答是：“当年，在可怕的政治漩涡中，他的前妻拒绝了柯庆施等人的逼迫离婚；下辈子我倘若仍投女性，我还会选王若望作我的夫君”。
Ever-lasting Love & Eternal Respect
Yang Zi
Translated by Feng Qing
More than 100 days ago, my husband, Ruowang,
completed his 84-year life journey. Desperately and hopelessly, I watched my
dearest husband, who had been together through thick and thin for 22 years,
leaving me and this world.
I felt his fingers turning stiff, saw his face turning white, and then
his breath
stopped. I did not realize that we were going to part forever as he looked so
serene. I was half-awake, finding it hard to accept this
horrible misfortune happening to me. Not until the hospital staff covered
his face with the
white cloth, did I understand what that meant. I started
to wail and
my heart broke.
Not long ago, while missing Ruowang terribly,
I thought of some words in "Injustice to Dou E" by Guan Hanqing, the Yuan drama writer of the 13th
century: "O Earth, if you fail to discriminate between good and evil, How
can you be
called Earth? O Heaven, in mistaking the sage and the fool, you are called
Heaven in vain!" My husband had been such a great man, devoting himself to
good of the nation. He should have lived over 100 years. Why was his life taken
away after only 16 days of being told that something was
wrong with his lung? Do I really have to accept the notion that no one can
fight fate?
My dear husband, we have been in love for 33 years and lived together
for 22 years.
Now in retrospect, I have nothing to regret during those days and nights we
spent together. We deeply loved each other in spite of ups and downs caused by
the Chinese Communist Party. I really value thisexperiences.
I first came to know Ruowang in 1968, the
beginning of the crazy
Cultural Revolution. Despite the difficult situation he was in, we loved
each other
whole-heartedly, not caring what others said. Some friends were
worried about me at that time and they did not understand why I was in love with Ruowang.
He was 20 years my senior and had 7 children; he was labeled as rightist
and
counter-revolutionary. Under such historical condition, everybody tried to
avoid people like Ruowang. Friends were surprised
that I was in love with someone like him. I can say, I had to endure great
pressure and overcome prejudice to love him, especially during the time when he
was segregated or imprisoned. I had to be two-sided: I practiced the
"loyalty dance" with my colleagues in the day time while I wrote a
diary to express my love for him secretly at night. I was reciting a poem by Lu
You (of the Song Dynasty) in my heart over and over again: "Beside the
broken bridge and outside the post-hall, a flower is blooming forlorn. Saddened
by her solitude at night-fall, by wind and rain she is further torn. " I could not keep back my tears each time I thought of
him. However, at that time, I waited with hope, knowing that he would be
brought back to me one day, no matter it 'it would be 5 years, or 10' After 10
years of waiting, we were at last re-united, hand in hand, heart to heart,
living in harmony.
Then, we came to the
wealth and rank,
he gave me the precious freedom in life and a priceless
life
experience. For the sake of his political belief and conscience, he
would rather
live a poor and lonely life. He always smiled with dignity in front of
persecution and totalitarianism. He had been fighting totalitarian dictators
and for the rights of the people persistently, at all costs. He best
illustrated the characteristic of a great man: "to be above the power of
riches and honors to make dissipated and to be above the power of poverty and mean
condition to make swerve from principle". During our 9-year stay in the
Ruowang was imprisoned again after June 4th in 1989. When
he was set
free, his retirement
pension was hardly enough to make both ends meet. He once said to me: " Whatever happens, we should not ask for help from our
sons and daughters. The worst scenario is that I go begging with you, hand in
hand. " After coming to the
From this September on, Lotus's children will all go to school. I will try to work less and spend more time at home
accompanying you. We don't need a big house, but I will make sure that you will
have a nice dinner every night. Now it is time that I tell you this: If
necessary, I will go begging with you, hand in hand. However, in the
"The moon may be bright or dim, wax or wane; Men have sorrow and
joy,
they part or
meet again. "I never thought that my dear husband would leave
me all of a
sudden. I was on the edge of a mental collapse. I found it
really hard to
stand such a blow. I felt hopeless and I was heart-broken. My sadness was
beyond words. At this difficult moment, many friends, either we knew before or
not, lent me their hands: Dr. Sun gave us some very expensive herbal medicine;
Ms. Lin and Ms. Luo invited me to visit DC and tried
to comfort me; Ms. Wang from South Carolina bought me flight ticket and invited
me to stay at her home; and Ms. Chen from Toronto, Teacher Wen
from the American Association of Technology Education and Ms. Yang from
Australia all called me and invited me to visit them. When I felt lonely, a
good friend named A Hua came to comfort me.I am so proud of my dear husband for his great character
and charming personality. I am really grateful to all the friends who helped
me, comforted me and cared about me in the past 100 days.
I now cried less and felt better. I wish I could thank
all of you in my next life.After knowing of my
husband's death, our landlord participated in the memorial service. Then they
decided not to rent the room to me anymore. Irespect
their decision and tried to find a new place. A problem rose. I would like to
rent a place from a Chinese family, but no Chinese landlord would like to rent
a house to someone with an ash urn, an unlucky sign. The Chinese government did
not allow my husband to return to his home country and a Chinese landlord did
not want my husband's ashes to be kept in the house.
When I felt helpless, I thought of my car. It may not be a peaceful
place but at
least Ruowang can be with me wherever I go. I am sure
he will
be
considerate enough to understand this. I won't accept any deal from the Chinese
Communist Party as I know they have sinister political intentions.
It has been 13 years since the June 4th Tiananmen
Massacre, and yet the
Chinese government still refuses to take responsibility
for the bloody
crackdown.
The souls of hundreds and thousands of those killed were still drifting
around.
The ashes of the son of Ding Zilin and Jiang Peikun were still kept in
his small bed. With this in mind, I decided to have a long-term plan. I would
like my husband's ashes to return to
difficulty, Ms. Wang bought
an apartment in
I am not sure how many can be as lucky as I am as a
survivor. Although I am sad about my husband's death, I am full of gratitude to
all those who helped me. I know people respect my husband for he chose to be
the first to bear hardships and the last to enjoy comforts. I became a
beneficiary of his great character. One day before Thanksgiving last year, Ruowang held my hand and begged me not to go to work the
next day. I told him that I would be home soon and asked him to wait for me at
home. However, he refused to stay home alone. I felt really sad. So I suggested
that he go with me to work and stay in the car while I took care of the kids.
He was so happy to hear that and went with me cheerfully. When my boss Lotus
saw him so weak inside the car, she paid me the whole day wage and told me to
go home with Ruowang.
Whenever I think of this, I could not help weeping.
"My dear Ruowang, as an old man in the 80s, as a
well-known writer, you should have been enjoying life at home, with children
and grandchildren around you. However, you had to stay in a place far away from
home. I had to go to work and you had to stay home alone, suffering from
illness. Not until you felt unbearable did you beg me not to go. How miserable
this is!" Ruowang never bowed to hardship and
difficulties in his life.
During the past 20 years, Ruowang never asked
anybody for anything. The two days before Thanksgiving was the only time he
would like to rely on me.
I feel guilty that I did not realize that it was his
quiet farewell to me. I really would like to say this: however great and strong
a person is, he would have a moment of weakness. When you are with someone you
love, you should try to express your true feelings; otherwise, once you leave,
the one who is still alive will feel painful and guilty forever.
Recently, I visited Er Pin, a close friend of
my husband's despite age differences. He came to see Ruowang
every once every day before he passed away. More than a year ago, Ruowang told him that he felt he was not as healthy as
before. I could not keep back my tears when Er Pin
told me this.
I tried to recall, Ruowang
looked so healthy. If it had not been for the
death of General
Zhang Xueliang, I would not have asked him to have
medical
exam.
Even when he attended the opening ceremony of Huang Hua
Gang, he did not seem to be a sick person. On second thought, he did mention
that he should live longer than Deng Xiaoping (he never thought what kind of
medical care Deng Xiaoping was given and what he was getting). I should have
noticed that he was becoming weaker and weaker. When he was in hospital, I
asked him:
"Why were you so unwilling to come to the hospital
for a checkup when I
asked you
to?" He replied: " Even if they found out
that there was something
wrong with me, do
you think we can pay the bill for medical treatment?" What else could I do
rather than feeling upset? His children were very right in saying:" Our
father forbears all difficulties by himself."I think it is time for me to cheer up and to
turn my sadness into strength. I should do something for my husband. He is an
exceptional recognized moral model for the society. I hope I can build a
memorial pavilion for him in our home country, with a monument in honor of his
life experience and have people pay their respects to him.Ruowang
is the husband of Yang Zi, but he is also a loyal son
of the Chinese nation. I really hope that Ruowang's
soul can return to
We met each other 33 years ago and we were separated for good after 33
years. If I am asked: Yang Zi, do you regret spending
the time with
Ruowang?"
My reply is: His ex-wife refused to divorce him under political pressure
many years ago; if I have an afterlife to be a female, I would still choose Ruowang for husband.